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Under the blow of marriage

That’s exactly how I decided to call the anonymous story of our sister, whose husband dared to strike not only on the body but also on the heart, on dignity and on hopes.

How has she managed to survive such difficult moments, not despairing and, again, believing in love, Mohabbat (changed name, that means Love) says in the letter.

THE FIRST STEP


I was married three times, now for the fourth. The first time was at the age of 19. After 2.5 years we got divorced. There were problems with our parents. My husband was from a wealthy and full family and my mother raised me alone. My mother-in-law constantly brought me to tears, saying that my mother hadn’t brought me up properly, that I was fatherless. “Жесір қатынның жетім қызы”, which means “orphan daughter of a single mother”. My mother suffered an apoplexy stroke on this basis. Also, the husband was sick with sexual impotence. For two and a half years, there wasn’t a day when I did not cry. Finally, I made the decision of a divorce. Because we slept separately, his mother wouldn’t let me rest and I couldn’t bear it. He didn’t want to let me go, coming and crying. His parents didn’t want our divorce either. But I couldn’t do it anymore.

A BROKEN HOPE


Five years later, at 25, I got married again to an ex-convict one. Unlike my ex-husband, he was able to make compliments and say kind words. After my first marriage, my self-esteem was below the plinth. Although I was one of the most beautiful girls in the institute.
He seemed to love me. By the way, I started to pray at the age of 19. That’s why I married the first man so quickly, without knowing him. And not so quickly to the second. I felt like no one wanted me with a baby. In this regard, I want to give a piece of advice to the girls:

always listen to your brothers or fathers. Whoever is your guardian, “A man sees a man from afar.” All our problems are due to the fact that we do not listen to our family.

We think “we weren’t born yesterday”. But anyway, they were born earlier; there is no male logic and there is no sober mind in us.

He’s performed the prayer only for me. He never did, when I wasn’t around. He played in the casino. Bankrupted me. Constantly lied. Lost the plays. I had to take on any job (write essays, theses, coursework) in order to earn on baby food. 

I still remember that powdered milk costs 100 rubles. I only had 450 left. He came and begged for them not calming down until taking them away.

After five years, I began to wonder if I would meet the old age with this man? The man, who robbed me, cheated on me, betrayed me. Am I going to grow old with this monster? I started thinking about divorce. There began a horror, which lasted for 2 years…

As soon as I started talking about the divorce, he cried and begged me not to do it at first. Then he started threatening and strangling me, taking me away from work, dragging me with himself. After, he started stalking me. Once he took me away and held for 6 hours, beating.

I sat in front of the wall clock. And every minute gave me pain, both physical and mental.

He was coming up to me with a huge knife and putting it near me. But I’ve read Ayat Al-Kursi, and he couldn’t do anything by the will of Allah. But he threatened to kill my brother and my mother, and that I’ll be knee-deep in blood.

Six long hours, after which you won’t be the same person. 

Fears, anxieties and panic attacks now are your companions for years. Any cry or aggression – and you start to choke with fear. Like you’re dying. In every shadow of the man behind you will see the outline of your terror. You can’t walk down the street without looking back every minute. You can’t do much like you used to.

He took me out and drove me around town, threatening to cut and kill everyone. Continuing to beat me on the head at the same time. Somehow I managed to persuade him to let me go. I cried all night. I was afraid to look at myself. A bluish, swollen mess in a place of a face. In the morning, when my brother arrived, we went to file a police report.

Examination procedure, the court. Everywhere I heard the same question: “How could he do this to You?” They saw my headscarf and, in principle, my calmness; perhaps I wasn’t like those who are being beaten. I don’t know.

Allah made everything easier. The judge was a woman, so she had no difficulty in understanding me. She gave him a maximum sentence of 45 days. He got out and the terror began anew. In general, I had to run for six months without money, without work in the cities of the country.

He still won’t agree to divorce. Three courts were held. On the third, he put a condition that I must give him one of his sons (in marriage with him I gave birth to two more sons, total at that time I had three children) and then he’ll divorce me.

Being tired of fighting him and hoping he would give me back my son when he got bored, my advocate agreed. He gave me a divorce. Thanks to Allah.

I FELL IN LOVE


After one year of fearing, I married for the third time to the handsome athlete. I thought it was the “prince on a white horse”, who will save me. 

It all started like in a fairy tale. I loved this man as I loved no one. He was a good husband. Much later I realized that no one is able to give you happiness, if you yourself won’t learn to do it with the help of Allah.
Mother-in-law wanted another daughter-in-law. However, he didn’t want to marry anyone but me. Here’s another tip:

 if the mother-in-law is initially against, it is worth thinking about it.

Despite the poor state of health and the prohibition of doctors, I gave birth in the 6th month. The child survived, but I nursed him for a long time. With the help of Allah, I managed.

Nightmares about ex-husband, days of constant attacks. It was like walking through a minefield. You don’t know where you’re going to explode. Drowning in a quagmire of your own anger, weakness, hatred, and pain. Panic attacks, a humiliation in front of neighbors, guests, and friends. My husband wanted us to go live separately but I was afraid of Allah and told him ” they’re your parents”. We didn’t leave and it took 4.5 years. More scandals, less of love and understanding. I left taking the baby.

A psychologist once told me “you have to admit that you choose the wrong men”. Yes, I agree. I choose the wrong ones, but maybe it’s just wrong me.

Something in my head is broken. Broken. They want comfort from me and I give it to them. Then I get tired of being comfortable. Not knowing how to express things I don’t like, fearing conflicts, keeping my grudges to myself. It all gets worse.

I left all three husbands with my own desire. None of them wanted to let me go. With the first, we lived for 2.5 years. With the second -7 years. With the third – 4.5 years.

The third divorce for me was… to say “heavy” is to say nothing. It was an atomic explosion, which destroyed me to the bottom. Constant pain, depression, and insomnia were my companions.

I didn’t raise my head from the sujud (the bow in prayer), asking for relief. Allah the Merciful gave it to me. I started practicing the gratitude techniques, walking in the park and doing hijama. It became easier, thanks to Allah.

HAPPINESS EXISTS

A year and a half later I remarried. Praise be to Allah, I have learned to cope with myself. I have started to look differently on many things. I learned to enjoy life, with the help of Allah. I started doing nordic walking.
What do I see as the reason for everything that happened to me? All because of the complex – childhood trauma. My parents used to swear and argue in front of me so I became afraid of any conflicts. I try to avoid them and keep quiet, but everything accumulates inside and I can’t cope with this boulder anymore. I leave. Perhaps it is such a setup that with the arrival of a man to the house, everything collapses because exactly with the father’s arrival screaming, yelling and insults would start. Or perhaps it is my inability to choose men for life. But, most likely, it was all given to me in order to make me better, kinder and learn to understand other people. Praise Be To Allah.
And my last tip:

If you can, learn to love and forgive. Learn to show beautiful patience. Easy to say, harder to do. Praise be to Allah, who has shown me what true happiness is. Happiness is to strengthen your connection with Him, the Merciful and Forgiving. Believe in the good, see the good, wait for the good. And may Allah forgive us.

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