As salamu aleikum. My name is Asya Akbaba (Turkish surname of my already ex-husband), I’m 29 y.o. and I’m a marketing specialist. I live in Ukraine, this is where I was born and where I converted to Islam in 2015.
Many of you know me from my blog @akbabamarketing where for two years I was writing about self-realization as a woman without sacrificing a family life. Despite competency and professionalism in this topic and all my achievements and results in business, it didn’t help me to save my marriage.
It’s all because things like time-management and women’s fulfilment don’t help to solve problems in the life of spouses if problems are very deep, especially when they lay in the foundation of values and philosophy of life.
I’m not going to write about how bad my husband was because it was my choice at that time of my life when we were at the same level of self-awareness and spiritual values.
I’m not going to write about all the unfairness towards me in all 4 years of our marriage, because if I was married for such a long time it means I consciously accepted this attitude, and I wanted to be deceived by this person.
I don’t feel offended, I don’t regret – I am grateful to Allah for this test, which was a point of growth for me in other areas of my life. I am grateful to my husband for being honest in the end and for letting me go.
I want to share with you my conclusions and give a message to all the women who are in a stage of divorce or realizing that something is wrong in their marriage.
Me and my husband divorced at the end of June 2019. Before that, I was faithfully waiting for my spouse in Ukraine for about 2 years, while he was fulfilling his immigration dreams in the UK. And before that, right after marriage, I consciously moved to a small Turkish city and left a successful career in Kyiv. I moved there to learn about their culture, cuisine, the language of my chosen one while living with his family (parents + brothers + sisters).
Back then, I lost myself in my loved one, who proposed to me to be his forever. At that time I thought I was doing everything right. Right, because I was doing it sincerely from the bottom of my heart.
I didn’t take into consideration that:
- my spouse wasn’t practicing and was promising that he will go back to the right path after marriage;
- my spouse wasn’t financially ready to get married because he had just finished university and was sure that he would get a visa to Scotland;
- my spouse neglected my rights from Shariah away after marriage (I’m talking about the right for my own money). It was because when I just converted to Islam I didn’t have much knowledge and I was blindly in love with “the man of my life”.
Yes, I did go through this, but I was completely alone, with a life of Turkish daughter-in-law who was taking care of a family of 7 and also freelancing and doubling my earnings, which my husband was in charge.
This led me to create my feminine self-realization system without making sacrifices from my role as a ‘wife’ in a family ,which had a Middle-Eastern mindset of woman and her roles in life.
Yes, I didn’t feel religious support from my spouse and was left on this new path on my own, but it only made me stronger and led me closer to Allah. Even while living in Turkey, I managed to find sources in Russian and stayed connected to Russian speaking Muslim sisters.
Yes, I didn’t get any financial security or provision from my husband during my whole stay in Ukraine but it only pushed me to grow in my profession to increase my income and register my business.
Yes, this marriage was very painful for me but this pain inspired me to ask myself deep questions and visit a psychologist.
This story is a great example of a marriage which was created not for Allah’s contentment but because of blind love towards a person.
In the Arabic language, there are 50 types of love and one of the types is al “al-‘ishk” (العشق)- being in love, adoration (the type of jinns which move into a person is called “‘ashiq” – someone who is in love). An interesting fact that in Turkish “ashk” (aşk) means being in love.
My blind love towards my husband forced me to give him all my money, I was ready to self-sacrifice and neglect my rights completely. In the end, I was performing “zulm” (الظلم) towards myself without even realizing I was doing so, I had forgotten that I was created to worship Allah and not a person. And despite the phrase that “Contentment of husband is the contentment of Allah”, it’s important to understand where borders of contentment of Allah finishes and where contentment of “nafs” (نفس) of another person starts.
This story would be more traumatizing for me if I wouldn’t have my own life goals, my self-realization path. I went through a divorce not long time ago, but I am already back to my normal life and continue to live according to my life plan.
I would never get over and would continue exploiting myself, if I didn’t get religious knowledge. If I didn’t know about my rights and would have to learn how to fight for them. And most importantly, I would continue to put my husband higher than Allah.
Time management is not going to save your family if there are problems in communication. But time management will help you not to lose yourself in times of hardships, in one of the most painful periods of your life, because you have your goals, plans and other self-organization instruments.
Your ability to have a balance between family and business is not going to give you an atmosphere of kindness and love in the family when your husband is more concerned about the money you earn and not you.
But having your business will give you the confidence to take strong steps and will give you support after divorce.
Life exists after divorce; it continues and becomes even better!